


See You at the Bottom

by jazminealthia, sksdwrld



Series: Rock the Cradle: A jazminealthia/sksdwrld collaboration [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: F/M, Unresolved Romantic Tension, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-16
Updated: 2014-08-16
Packaged: 2018-02-13 08:25:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2143860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jazminealthia/pseuds/jazminealthia, https://archiveofourown.org/users/sksdwrld/pseuds/sksdwrld
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was all so much... too much...</p>
            </blockquote>





	See You at the Bottom

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Get the Show On the Road](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1484254) by [sksdwrld](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sksdwrld/pseuds/sksdwrld). 



> _Hey, can you hear me now? (I know I’m nothing profound)_   
> _Say, can you help me out? (but my intentions were good)_   
> _Hey, can you help me down? (what's lost is better unfound)_   
> _Say, can you wake me out? ('cause I will see you at the bottom)_   
> _(see you at the bottom)_
> 
>  
> 
> Seether - See You at the Bottom

Matt had checked the address a million times before he got in the cab, but he was still terrified he was going to the wrong place. When they pulled up he recognized it, but it was almost more terrifying that he did. He'd said he wanted to see her, to see Marshall. And he did. He really, truly did. There was an entire bag of presents he'd bought for that baby. But then London happened. Lora's voice still echoed in his head. Matt had lost count of how many drinks he bought on the airplane; he'd charmed the flight attendant into a few extra bottles with each order. But even with all of that he felt sober; he was anxious and afraid. "You getting out or not, man?"

"Yeah yeah, hold on." He shifted around and pulled his wallet out of his pocket.

"The hell are you doing, man? They paid for me. Just get out." The cabbie gruffed. 

Matt snorted and opened the door, dragging all his bags with him. They said one night, and if he didn't want to crash on her couch they'd find him a hotel, but it was implied. MTV wanted the whole shebang, the big revealing moments where... fuck, he didn't even know. Well, he did. He did know and that was exactly what terrified him. If he had just flown over after the damn show, if he hadn't stopped to try and see Caleb, it would be fine. Everything would go smoothly. He'd meet Marshall and spend time with Eddie and that would be it; a nice, friendly evening. But Matt was half cocked now; teetering on a downward spiral. As soon as he slammed the car door shut the cabbie backed out. "Bloody fuck!" He flipped the man off and started shouldering all his bags. The front door opened and he could hear a baby cry.

No. That wasn't a cry. That was a wail. Eddie stepped out looking exhausted. "You picked a hell of a fucking time to show up, Sug." 

"Well at least I can make myself useful, eh?" Matt tried smiling as he walked up to her, leaning in and kissing her cheek.

"Useful? You aren't here as a damn babysitter..."

"Well I wanted to meet the Meatball, yeah? Can't pretend he's all smiles and laughter all the time. Babies cry and wail and carry on. I'm getting the unedited version." He followed her into the small entry and dropped his bags. "The blue one... that's for Meatball."

"All of it? Fuck, what the hell did you get him?"

Matt shrugged. "Toys. Clothes. Shoes. Blankets. Anything that struck me. I was gone for months, Eddie. Thinking about meeting him was one of the nicer things I could focus on." The wailing continued and he chuckled. "Do you want me to go see..."

"No! Fuck, Matt, no, you're not here to..."

"I know. You told me. But please..." Matt took a breath. He didn't know why it felt so important, but he needed to face the infant in it's most unappealing situation, when everyone else would run away. He had to prove to himself that he could. "Please?" 

Eddie snorted a laugh and shrugged. "You want to, he's all yours." She held out a hand and ushered him to the nursery where the epicenter of screaming was located. "He just started, I haven't had a chance to check what's wrong. But he shouldn't be hungry. Might need to be changed. Might just be fucking cranky."

"Takes after his Mum then, eh?" He smirked. Eddie didn't find it nearly so amusing. "Alright well let me just..." Even though Marshall was screaming Matt stared in awe. When he sniffed he chuckled. "Yeah, it's time for a new nappy." He carefully, carefully lifted Marshall out of his crib, "Hey Meatball. Hey there. Yeah, yeah I know shit's everywhere but crazy Uncle Matty is going to take care of it, alright? What do you say?" There was one loud screech and Matt winced. "Alright. Well lets see how you feel when you're clean, yeah?" Eddie stood by the door and chuckled, but Matt was intent on Marshall. Even red faced and crying he was a beautiful baby. After settling him down on the changing table he looked around, got a new diaper, a container of wipes, baby powder, and most importantly made visual contact with the trash. His mother had taught him basics and he fumbled through changing Marshall well enough. "It's a good thing for you I just got off a tour bus full of filthy unwashed men, Meatball, or else that smell would have been something else." Somewhere in the middle of everything Marshall stopped crying and stared intently at Matt's face. For a moment, when he was done, Matt just stared back. He reached out his hand and let Marshall grasp onto his finger. _Fucking hell_. All the emotions he'd been fighting against were about to come pouring back at him. He took a deep breath and picked him up off the table, cradling him in his arms. He was very aware of Eddie still watching, so he stayed silent, walking around the room. _Everyone thought you were mine. I half expected them to switch the tests and say you were. You know what's fucked, Meatball? I wanted it. I wanted them to say you were mine. I wanted you to be my son. I wanted you to be my second chance. I knew you weren't. I knew you couldn't be. But I wanted to show that I could... that I wouldn't damage you beyond repair. I never got to do this with my son. I never got to be there and I may never get to see him but you, Meatball... you could have been my redemption..._ He snorted a laugh and shook his head. _How bloody fucked is that? Making someone else's child be how I prove my worth. You don't owe me anything. Your Mum doesn't owe me anything. I just don't know how to fix myself..._ Matt stroked the side of Marshall's face and took a shuddering breath. Feeling the weight of the baby in his arms, the look in his eyes, the smooth newness of his skin, Matt felt himself starting to slide. Every word Lora told him, every word she didn't say. He missed all this with Caleb because he was a fuckup, and he would inevitably fuck up again. With a gulp he turned to Eddie. "Um... the loo... the bathroom?" 

"Down the hall to the left..." Before she could finish saying it Matt handed Marshall to her and stumbled into the room, closing the door behind him.

He rested his hands on either side of the sink and leaned down, hanging his head and taking deep shaky breaths. All he could think about was how much he wanted a bottle of oxys. Just a few to settle his nerves, to make him feel less like a failure. Part of him wanted to scour Eddie's cabinets for anything but she was as much an addict as he was; there wouldn't be anything there. His hands gripped the edge of the counter. If he couldn't have pills, maybe... He looked up and his eyes darted across the cluttered vanity. Mouthwash. He picked it up and was about to open it up when he noticed the label. **Alcohol Free**. "Fuck!" He slammed it back down and smacked the counter with his hands, holding onto them again and pushing out, clenching the edges so hard his knuckles turned white. His lungs started begging for more air and he started panting, teeth clenched. Why did he come here? _Because you made a promise, you shit. You going to fuck her over because you can't handle yourself?_ Matt looked up and stared at himself in the mirror. _She's your friend, you spineless cunt. And look at you, not here half an hour and you're clamoring for a way out. Trying to get shitfaced off of fucking Scope? Pathetic._ He squeezed his eyes shut. All he needed was a distraction, a way to forget, to lose himself and not feel...

"Matt?" There was a knock on the door. "You okay sug?"

"Yeah." The word croaked out and he cleared his throat. "Yeah, I'm... I'm fine..." She pushed the door open and he caught her eyes in the mirror. He didn't think he'd ever told her how beautiful he thought she was; he didn't want to encourage her, to get attached when he had no idea how to be anything she needed. Eddie had wanted a sugar daddy; she'd wanted someone to take care of her - that much she'd said outright, from the beginning. But slowly whatever it was that she wanted seemed to change. The awkward conversations turned into meaningful ones. He felt a connection with her that he hadn't felt with many people; he felt like she actually understood him. _Look away, you old fucking pervert. You're thirty years old. When your son was born she was still in primary..._. At the mere thought of Caleb he squeezed his eyes shut. 

Eddie slipped in the bathroom and shut the door. Matt's muscles clenched. He could smell her, cigarettes and sweat and... vanilla, maybe? She put a hand on his back and he twitched. "Hey, what's going on?"

"Nothing." His voice cracked again. He blew out a breath of air. "Just... had a rough trip is all."

"You are not seriously trying to bullshit me." Eddie caught his eyes in the mirror. "You don't want to talk about it, fine. But don't fucking lie. That kid has kept me up all fucking hours. My ability to tolerate bullshit is real thin."

Matt snorted a laugh and shook his head, closing his eyes for a moment before pushing himself closer to being upright. "I... I had a few difficult conversations with Lora."

"Fuck that bitch." Eddie rolled her eyes. 

"Eddie..." He sighed and stood up, finally turning around. It wasn't until then that he realized how small the bathroom was; she was standing against the other wall and they were mere inches apart. Every part of him wanted to feel her touch him, hold onto him, make him feel desired, wanted, make him forget. His fingers fluttered, almost reaching out before he forcibly shoved his hands back on the counter, leaning on them. "She's not all wrong."

"Yeah? The fuck did she say that you're so convinced is the truth?" She folded her arms and shifted her weight. 

Matt swallowed and had to force himself to look at her face. Well, in her eyes. Her lips, curved in an angry sneer, looked inherently tempting. "I'm a selfish, manipulative junkie and I may never be able..."

"Fuck that." Eddie snorted. "That may be what you were, Matt. But that sure as hell isn't what you are."

"Eddie I'm still an addict. I still see everything from only my perspective and I'm still willing to push people to get what I want..."

"What the fuck did you do that got her so pissed off? Besides showing up in her life again, ten years clean, successful and sexy? Huh? What did you do besides make her regret turning you out of her life?"

"I tried using her daughter to get her to change her mind." When Eddie just raised an eyebrow he sighed. "After she refused to even see me I went looking for something... anything... to keep myself occupied. And there was this... this polo tourney. And Prince Harry was going to be there. So I got the label to pull some strings and a few hours later I started talking to him. And there were cameras and so the tabloids and royal rags ran with it and her daughter wouldn't stop talking about it." Matt pursed his lips. "When I first went to meet Caleb and I went on that talk show her daughter watched. And her daughter said I reminded her of Prince Harry because he made her feel safe. And I looked like someone that she could feel safe around, like I would care, like I wasn't all... damaged."

"She's a smart kid." Eddie reached out and tugged at his hand, pulling it off the counter, making him shift his weight so he was leaning just barely closer to her. Her thumb rubbed gentle circles on the back of his hand. Matt felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. His vision flashed to her head arched back, her fingers digging into his hips. He squeezed his eyes shut. "Matt. Come on." She tugged at his wrist until he opened his eyes. "How is that so fucking terrible? How is trying to remind the fucking idiotic bitch that you're not some horrible monster..."

"I did it to try and guilt her into changing her mind, Eddie. I fucking hate polo but I saw the chance... I saw the chance and I took it because..."

"Because you want to do anything you can to see your damn son. She may think it's being manipulative and selfish but personally..." she reached out and grabbed his other hand, holding each one on her hip. "I think it's fucking sexy." She bit her lip and Matt gripped onto her, wanting to pull her closer but knowing he shouldn't; he couldn't. "But then again you walk in here and before I can even offer you a drink you change my son's diaper. One of the million fucking therapy groups they sent me to... this woman said after she had her daughter the biggest turn on was a man being a fucking man. Not like... walking around shirtless and sweaty and swinging fucking hammers. But taking care of her kid. Kids in general. The therapist said it was some biological imperative or some shit. That yeah, we _can_ take care of our kids on our own, but part of us wants that partner our kids actual dads couldn't be." She chuckled and rolled her eyes. "I didn't really fucking buy into it but..." Her hands slid up and down his arms. 

"Eddie," Matt let go of her hips and held onto her hands. "Don't."

She huffed and folded her arms. "You think you still have something to prove?"

"Nearly everyone is telling me I'm just getting fucking conned, Eddie."

"And you believe them? Are you seriously standing here accusing me of conning you?"

"No..." Matt sighed and ran a hand over his face. He didn't want to tell her why he was hesitating, why he wasn't letting it happen. It made him feel like a coward. "But Eddie I... I'm wary. Not of you, but of... of this. Of MTV trying to make something happen... of you wanting something to happen so they'll renew the show..."

"Oh fuck you Matt." She snorted. "That sounds like your fucking baby mama got into your fucking head. Because you know, Matt. You fucking know..."

"Then why did you call for me when you were having Marshall? I never asked, Eddie. I never asked because I know you were in unimaginable pain and it was fucking hard..."

"You're damn straight it was fucking hard. I was alone, Matt. I was in fucking agony and I was alone and having a fucking baby that I didn't know how to take care of. I was scared, Matt. And the nurse asked me if there was anyone, a partner, a friend, _anyone_ I wanted there with me. And all I could think of was you, because you're the best man I've ever fucking known. You cared about me, Matt. You gave a damn when no one fucking did. _That's_ why I called out for you. Not some fucking MTV plot to drive up ratings, to make everyone think what the fuck ever they wanted to think. Because I was scared. And you were the one man I thought wouldn't let me down."

Matt sighed. He felt a sinking feeling in his stomach and his head was still spinning. Part of him didn't want to apologize. Part of him wanted her to stay angry, to be pissed at him for assuming things, for not trusting her, because then he wouldn't have to admit why he stopped her. But if he was going to fuck everything up with her, if he was going to destroy their friendship, he'd rather it not be because of his cowardice. "I'm sorry, Eddie..." He tried reaching out to her but he stopped himself, folding his arms. "That... that's not why I told you to stop. I trust you, Eddie, I know..."

"Then what, Matt? Am I... what? Too good? You have some weird Madonna/whore thing where you can't fucking touch me even though you call yourself..."

"Eddie!" His hands shook with the tension of trying not to touch her. "It's not... it's..." Matt let out a breath and let his hands fall, reaching out and stroking her arms, down her biceps and prying her hands from their folded enclosure. "I'm a fucking addict, Eddie. It's not just pills. I... I'm spiraling, Eddie. I'm spiraling and all I want is to forget and I don't have pills and I can't... I can't take them... and I don't have any alcohol... and... Eddie it is taking everything in my power not to just..." He let his hands trail up and down her arms, snaking to her waist. "This... this wouldn't be for the right reasons, Eddie. I can't ruin what we have because I don't know how to deal with my shit. I'm not going to use you..."

"Fuck Matt, why do you... Fuck!" She grabbed hold of his hips and tugged him against her. When she felt his reaction she groaned and clenched her fists before pushing away. "Well at least now I know it's not that you don't _want_ to fuck me."

"No... no it's..." Matt let out a breath and shifted his hips, trying to get more comfortable. "Eddie it was never that." He tentatively reached out a hand and brushed her cheek. "You're beautiful. But when I fuck around, I fuck everything up. And..."

"Just shut up, Matt." She sighed and squeezed his hands. "I get what you're going for but I just... I can't fucking hear it right now, alright?" 

"I'm sorry, Eddie, I..."

"No. Matt. Really. I get it." Eddie gave him a forceful glare. "It's just fucking frustrating. You... you _not_ fucking me and wanting to still be around..." She growled a little and furrowed her brow. "I swear Matt. I don't know what the fuck to do with you." With that she opened the door and stepped into the hall. "Marshall's going to be eating soon. If you want to feed him there's formula and a bottle in the kitchen." Just before she stepped away she turned back. "I think he'd like it if you did. I haven't seen him this calm with anyone."

Matt smiled and nodded. "I'd like that..." He swallowed. "Be out in just a minute, though... Should probably actually piss while I'm in here."

Eddie rolled her eyes. "Yeah. Probably a good idea."

He watched her leave and closed the door, letting his head fall against it, hand still clutching the knob. Somehow he felt both better and worse. His head was still swimming and part of him... most of him... regretted turning her away. She built him up, stroked his ego, and he could only imagine what else... With a grunt he pushed himself up and shook his head. "It's better this way, Malone. It's better this way."


End file.
